HOW TO DRESS LIKE ME, A FASHION GOD

By Julia Block

You are a liberal arts/STEM major attending an art school. And while high school classified you as hipster, college is a whole new ball game. Now, your Adidas Superstars and Fjällräven Kånken backpack seems so passé, especially compared to the thrift-store-swaddled ceramics major wearing Yeezys who just ordered a sextuple shot of espresso at Lamplighter. You don’t need to be Yohji Yamamoto to know your wardrobe needs a serious overhaul if you plan on maintaining your “cool kid cred” these next few years. Fortunately for you, I am a firm believer of haute couture oblige and have graciously decided to help you. This is an act of charity. I pity you – you sad, uncreative person doomed to a life of monotony. And so I present the following foolproof list to you, unwashed masses, for your benefit. Each rule is a non-negotiable if you dream of being accepted by us real artists. You’re welcome:

  1. Dye your hair fluorescent pink immediately. Your natural color is just another example of your boring, conformist life that does not interest me.
  2. Cut all your shirts in half. Crop tops are in. Keep cutting your Brooks Brothers or Vineyard Vines shirts until they resemble shreds, and then burn them. My god, what were you thinking?
  3. Lots of black. Black on black on black on black. You are a nihilist in a post-structuralist society. The world needs to know you that you know God is Dead.
  4. Embroidery is everything. Take those tops and sew on some obscenities. Four letter words are in, but keep them sexually oriented, rather than scatological.
  5. Oh, also flowers! Embroider lots of flowers!
  6. Florals, really? What’s next – stripes or god-awful plaid? Could you be any more kitsch? Minimalism is everything. Stick to one color, please.
  7. Sheep are everywhere and they wear monochromatic outfits. Have some creativity and clash!
  8. That hair dye looks awful. What’s wrong with you? Have you internalized society’s hatred? Love yourself and embrace your natural hair.
  9. The one thing your senile, middle-brow grandma got right was that, “accessories make the outfit.” Think to yourself: What if I threw a red-carpet-ready Kardashian into a bedazzling machine? Dress like her mangled corpse.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
  10. Name your three favorite songs that Devendra Banhart played in concert the summer of 2014. Don’t have an answer? Of course you don’t, but at least try to look like you might have one. And the first thing any music aficionado knows is not to wear jewelry to concerts.  Not to mention how disgusting makeup looks as it melts off your face at some sweaty festival. Lose the earrings and the contour, dear.                                                                                                                                
  11. Get some very, very short bangs. Bangs are a wonderful way of highlighting how naturally beautiful you are. Unless you are not. Too bad.
  12. Sweaters. Sweater are in. Only sweaters. Make sure the sleeves are long enough to cover your hands.
  13. Lose your top and free the nipple! If you are not sufficiently endowed, get a breast implant. Only one. Asymmetry is beautiful.
  14. I loathe your sloppy “casual wear”. Try to care about your appearance: buy some cropped, straight tuxedo pants and brogues.
  15. Pair these with some oxford shirts. Always button them all the way up, even if it becomes difficult to breath. Marie Antoinette’s corsets taught us that oxygen is for the cake-deficient.
  16. Have you seen the new Need Supply shirt dress? It has pre-stressed holes in it. Inspiring! Only one-hundred seventy dollars! Why are you not wearing this already?                                                                                                                                    
  17. Oh, you say you can’t afford to buy all these clothes? Skip meals and eat your textbooks instead.
  18. The whole point of being fashionable is so people can see how fashionable you are. Show off your clothes by spending all your time at coffee shops with prices that your parents make fun of before they talk about something boring like, um….  gimme a minute to think…
  19. Like the economy. Old crones love to talk about the economy. Who cares about the economy? When did the economy ever attend the Met Gala?
  20. Shave your head. And eyebrows. And your face.                                                                                                             

So there you go: an infallible list of how to look as if you had the talent and creativity to be an art student at an art school instead of doing something pointless, like nursing. I admit you’ll never truly have a cool and effortless style like me, but that’s your fault. Anyway, I have to go study for this stupid biology exam required for my Chemistry major. Good luck!

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